KEEPING THE PEACE

When a marriage ends, it is usually accompanied by intense emotions that too often result in terrible choices being made that end up hurting the couple and the children. You don’t have to be Gandhi, Buddha or any other kind of evolved spirit to have a “Peaceful Divorce,” but you do need to have the intention to do so.

What we tell ourselves, what we believe IS our reality. You can have any kind of divorce you want to have. You can tell yourself that he or she is a rat, pig, etc. who would never be reasonable enough to sit down peacefully and work out fair terms and that will be your reality.

However, as an alternative, you can have an inner dialog that will produce another result.  You can keep an open mind, think positively and make your goal be to "keep the peace".  The conversation you have with yourself and the informed choices you make determine what kind of life and experience you will have. You may be devastated by the news your spouse wants out. Maybe you are furious at what you perceive to be unreasonableness on the part of your spouse. You might be in a lot of different emotional places right now.

Divorce is one of the hardest life transitions people face. The two of you are probably not getting along. Does it make sense to increase the conflict and spend precious time fighting when there is an alternative?

For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

TIPS FOR GRANDPARENTS AS THEIR CHILD GOES THROUGH A DIVORCE

The best course of action for grandparents to take when their children are getting divorced, is to be a peace keeper. Refrain from encouraging your child to hire the biggest shark in town. Believe it or not, very little good will come from escalating the emotional tension.  Rather a good choice would be to suggest collaborative law, whereby the goal of the parties and their counsel is to resolve the matter outside of Court. 

There is almost nothing to fight about if both sides are honest.   As for custody, in the collaborative setting the parties, counsel and a child development specialist can sit down and develop a custodial plan that is best for the children and the parents.  This is a far better solution when parents cannot agree on custody than proceeding to Court.  This will also put more money in the parties' pockets rather than spending their funds on attorney fees and costs.

To find out more about Collaborative law telephone today to schedule a consultation.

For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

INCREASING YOUR NET SPENDABLE INCOME AS YOU TRANSITION TO A SINGLE INCOME HOUSEHOLD

As your transition into a one income household look at your income and determine if there are ways for you to make more money at least until you have your finances in check. If you have poor budgeting habits, making more money isn’t going to be silver bullet to answering all your woes. Unless you change your spending habits, you will find yourself in a vicious cycle and working really hard to get there. Here are some options:

1. Consider a part-time job this holiday season. The 10-20 hours you work between now and the end of the year might help you pay off a credit card balance so that you can get ahead of the curve.

2. Ask for a raise at your current job. If you believe that you are underpaid, do some research to get a rough estimate of what people are being paid in your position (based on geographical location and education level) and go to your boss with the results.

3. Reduce your commuting costs. If the cost of your daily commute is continuing to rise while your income stays the same, it might be time to look for a way to reduce the costs. This could mean moving closer to your job or finding a job closer to home.

4. Get an employee referral bonus. Many employers now offer an incentive to employees if they refer a prospective employee who gets hired. In some cases this could be $1000 or more! If you help your employer find the skilled workers they need, this could benefit you without your having to work very hard. Check with your company’s human resource department to see if they offer such a program.


For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

SEEKING A THERAPIST

 

Divorce is a crazy time anyway, but when you add the pressures of a volatile situation to it, it can seem unbearable. To help cope, try to find a support group or get some counseling to help you during this time. Your local shelter can provide a lot of support and resources for you. Don't be ashamed to ask for help.

Your attorney can also recommend appropriate therapists once meeting with you and assessing your current situation and needs.
 
For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

DATING AFTER DIVORCE - THERE IS NO BAR FOR AGE

Relationships are very complicated, so we should not make them more complicated by adding an age clause. Obviously you are dating, not taking admission into a school or college where you need to mention and take care of the age thing. Love happens, when it has to, without taking care of the cast, color, creed, nationality, religion or age. So try to keep things simple while dating. You have to act maturely if you wish to have a long lasting and happy relationship. Age does not matter when you have found a true love. There are many online dating sites which help you to meet new people and explore new possibilities but if you keep your mind puzzled with the number game then dating will become a maze for you.

There is no secret to a happy relationship. Every relationship needs your understanding and a mature outlook. You have to work on it. Online dating sites give you an opportunity to step out and explore the world other than your restricted entry zone. There have been many successful relationships, in which the women are older. Time is changing and so is the dating pattern. Now more than a mate, we try to look for a soul mate. Now you do not date just to find a suitable partner but now you date to find a good life-partner. As people are acting maturely after looking at the rising rate of divorce cases. So, leave age behind and date with a smile.

For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

RECOGNIZING ABUSE IN A RELATIONSHIP

In order to recognize early abusive signs, one must stop rationalizing “abusive” behaviors as “normal.” If you see ONE abusive behavior, regardless of how small, you need to remind yourself that it IS abuse. Period! With this new skill, you will soon be dating men or women who treat you with dignity and respect—the way we all deserve to be treated.

Below is a list of common abusive behaviors to watch for from abusive men or abusive women:

• Criticism about your good qualities,
• Past abusive relationships,
• Criminal activities,
• Drinking or drug problems, past or present,
• Mood swings,
• Discourages your successes,
• Jealousy,
• Abusive family members or spouses of siblings,
• Attempts to control your whereabouts,
• Disrespect toward you publicly or privately,
• Violations of others rights,
• Irresponsibility,
• Attempts to keep you isolated,
• Persistent lying,
• History of truancy, delinquency and running away,
• Highly reactive,
• Streaks of meanness toward others for no reason,
• Threatened by relationships with men, past, present or imagined.

For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

THE FIRST STEP IS TO BE ADVISED OF YOUR RIGHTS

Deciding on divorce is a big decision. You should understand that you aren't a bad person just because you think you want a divorce. Your spouse is not automatically a bad person because he/she may be causing you to feel this way (or so you may think), you're just people, plain and simple.

Being in "limbo" is a horrible feeling because you can't really get rooted if you are in limbo...all you know is that you aren't happy and don't know what to do. You may feel stuck in a rut or feel like you are wandering aimlessly. Whatever the case, not being certain of what will happen can be tough to swallow and only contributes to your being unhappy. Another reason that this is usually a tumultuous and arduous time for people who are in this stage of life because it usually involves self reflection and a heightened awareness that may never have been reached before in your life.

This can be most difficult and scary, but I assure you it is healthy in the long run. When doing this "inward reflection", you may find out some things about yourself that you may not like. You may recall some things you had forgotten. You may realize that this isn't all your fault or you may realize that you had a hand in leading yourself here too. Whatever happens from here on in, your mindset has to be conducive to being brutally honest to yourself.

To make an educated and informed decision on how best to move forward you should have an initial consult so that you can be advised of your rights and what you are entitled to.

For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

SOMETIMES DURING YOUR DIVORCE YOU JUST NEED COMFORT FOOD

Sometimes when one is going through a tough time it can help to bake.   This is my favorite brownie recipe--from Paula Dean's website. I've made it many, many times and it's fail proof. Word to the wise: Eat one and take the rest to work!!

Ingredients

• 4 ounces unsweetened chocolate
• 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter
• 4 large eggs
• 2 cups sugar
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 cup all-purpose flour, sifted

 Frosting:

• 4 ounces (4 squares) unsweetened chocolate
• 1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
• 1/2 cup pasteurized egg substitute (recommended: Egg Beaters)
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 (1-pound) box confectioners' sugar, sifted
• 4 cups mini marshmallows

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a 13 by 9-inch baking pan.

Melt the chocolate and butter in a 2-quart bowl in the microwave on high for 3 minutes, stirring every 20 to 30 seconds until the chocolate is completely melted. Add the eggs, sugar, and vanilla and mix well with a spatula. Add the flour and stir to combine. Spread the batter evenly in the prepared pan. Bake for 25 minutes.
While the brownies are baking, make the frosting. Melt the chocolate and butter in a medium bowl in the microwave on high for 3 minutes stirring every 20 to 30 seconds until the chocolate is completely melted. Add the egg substitute, vanilla, and sugar and stir with a spoon until smooth. Stir in the marshmallows; they will soften but not melt completely. Spread the frosting over the warm brownies. The frosting will set up when the brownies are completely cooled. When cool, cut into 1 1/2-inch squares and store in the refrigerator in a plastic container with a snap-on lid.

For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

STAYING SANE THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS

Coping with the nostalgia may be difficult during the holidays.  The first Thanksgiving or Christmas after a divorce will be fraught with poignant memories of previous Thanksgivings and the traditions you shared.  You can expect to feel sad. The contrast between how you felt in previous years and how you feel this year will make it even more painful. Take this year to make new traditions. If you always spent Thanksgiving with your spouse's family, go visit yours this year.  Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen, or having a Christmas dinner with your friends. When you're dealing with divorce, don't put all your focus on how things were. Think about how things could be now, and take steps to make them that way.

For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

SHARED PARENTING AFTER SEPARATION

Rather than accepting that high conflict is inevitable in divorced families, our goal should be to reduce the conflict. Shared parenting provides an incentive for parental cooperation, negotiation, mediation, and the development of parenting plans. Most parents can successfully learn to minimize conflict when they’re motivated to do so, and shared parenting provides this incentive. A number of specialized interventions to help parents reduce conflict have been developed, including therapeutic family mediation, parent education programs, and parenting coordination. A key strategy is keeping parents focused on their children’s needs, and enhancing parents’ attunement to their children’s needs. The main therapeutic task in high conflict families is to help divorcing parents separate their previous marital hostilities from their ongoing parenting responsibilities. Parents who remain challenged in this regard also have the option of parallel co-parenting. Over time, as the dust settles, parallel parenting may become replaced by a more cooperative co-parenting arrangement.

For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

TOP 10 TIPS FOR DIVORCING PARENTS

1. Don't try to recruit your child into siding with one parent against the other.
2. Do contain your hostility in front of the children. Hearing divorcing parents argue is the most common cause for a child of divorce to have problems.
3. Do renegotiate a healthy co-parenting relationship after divorce. You don't have to be best friends with your ex, but you do need to have a civilized relationship so that your child is not burdened by your ongoing anger.
4. Don't badmouth your ex in front of your child. In fact, make a point of telling your child a few good things about the other parent.
5. Do get on the same page with your ex about all rules concerning the children--bedtime, homework, amount of screen time, curfew, and so forth.
6. Do take a parenting class or attend family therapy with your ex if you are having trouble coming to agreement about rules and consequences for your child. Allow a professional to help you manage your anger at your ex.
7. Don't badmouth your ex's parents or other family members. Children love their grandparents, aunts, and uncles, and if a parent says negative things about them the child will feel conflicted.
8. Do reassure your child that she did not do anything to cause the divorce. Children often feel guilty when parents get divorced and need to be reassured that the divorce was not their fault.
9.   Do tell your child that both parents will continue to love him and spend time with him.
10. Do tell your child that you expect her to continue to do well and be happy.


For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

SEEKING THERAPY DURING YOUR DIVORCE

If you still feel overwhelmed or are experiencing negative effects after a significant amount of time has gone by, don't hesitate to seek professional help. It might seem daunting to talk to a counselor  but it can be an invaluable resource in bringing about the emotional healing that needs to happen. The counselor will help you understand what you are feeling and work through it in a safe environment. Any Negative patterns, traumatic childhood experiences, cultural differences, can be addressed with time and grace. In addition, it can bring insight and personal growth which will positively influence your relationship with your ex-spouse, your children, and prepare you for a successful relationship with a future spouse.

Renee Marcelle can provide you with referrals upon your request.

For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

PRACTICAL ADVICE FOR DEALING WITH DEPRESSION

Sometimes the divorce and problems after the event all pile up and can become unbearable making it depressing and overwhelming. Since there is no way back and no way out though you must start sorting your issues into smaller manageable chunks and just work at one at a time or the task may seem to be too much.

Try not to focus on the negatives.  Find good things and focus on them even if they seem too small to make a difference against the negatives. The trick is breaking your problems into smaller chunks … after a while you have collected enough good positive feelings, thoughts and emotions that they can start to make an impact … never let go of the good things and actions you take!

Set a goal.  a goal in mind even if depression does strike you having something to do is important, it could be a life goal, an emotional goal or even a physical goal it does not matter. Achieving something makes you feel good and helps against depression and negative thinking.

For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

MAINTAINING A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR EX's PARENTS

If you love your children, your ex's parents love them also. It is not good when you don't maintain a good relationship together, even when they didn't do anything for you. If you had difficulty with their boy, they have absolutely nothing to do with it; it is your individual problem between you and their son.

• Don't discuss your ex-husband whenever you speak with them
• Keep all things beneficial even life is a bit hard for you
• Greet all of them on unique days: Getaways, Birthday, Wedding anniversary
• Always invite all of them if you will be having a party as well as celebrating one thing with pertains to kids
• Set a regular get together with your kids as well as their grandparents
• Send them emails or perhaps greeting cards now and then, just to find out how they are doing, inform them that you still care for them.
• Be steady
Following these simple guidelines will help to maintain healthy relationships and is in the children's best interest.

For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

DIVORCE CONSIDERATIONS AND MONEY

Keep the following suggestions in mind as you think about divorce:

• Do not make large purchases that will add to community debt. Try to keep all assets liquid.
• Start to stash back money now for emergencies before and after your divorce. Traveler's check are a fairly safe way to do this.
• Put a freeze on joint credit card accounts.
• Keep working to secure your newly single future.
• If you have your paycheck automatically deposited into a joint account, set up an individual account, and have the deposits made to it.
• Keep all individual assets separate. These include inheritances, workers compensation, personal injury awards, items that you brought into the marriage, and gifts given to you individually.
• Have any necessary mechanical repairs done to your automobile to insure that you have reliable transportation after the divorce.

For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

GUIDELINES FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR IN THE COURTROOM

1.  Come across as a serious person. Divorce is a painful process that leads to neglect of oneself, physically and emotionally. Make that extra effort to reach the court on time, look well-groomed, wear neat and tidy clothes. Avoid outlandish attire, weird hairstyles and garish makeup. Maintain a calm attitude at all times, avoid negative body language (such as crossing your legs or arms while speaking, laughing unnecessarily, sounding silly) and turn off those distracting gadgets.
2.  If you're asked to speak up, maintain eye contact and be respectful to the person who asked you to answer or comment. Avoid sharp sarcasm, mockery or any other harsh responses, even if the situation justifies it. Avoid glaring angrily at your spouse or his/her attorney.
3.  If you're startled by a question or if you do not understand it, say so and ask for it to be repeated. Do not make any assumptions on behalf of the judge while making your point. It is certainly not the time to be reserved, superstitious or hesitant. Be truthful and honest. At the same time, be extremely careful not to make up lies and concoct stories to prove your point.
Ask your attorney to arrange for a mock trial in case you have never been to a courtroom before or if you're unsure of the nature of divorce proceedings and rules and regulations of the court.

4.   This is perhaps a no-brainer, but do not spring surprises at your own attorney with regard to the facts of the case or "skeletons" in your closet. Any sign of disagreement between you and your attorney may not instigate a judge, but it might prove beneficial to the other party. At all times, project your trust in your own attorney.

5.  In general, before every single reaction/response, put yourself in the shoes of the judge and imagine what reaction would be appropriate. If you wouldn't like what you imagine, chances are they won't either. This way, you can work at effectively curbing any behavior that would hamper your credibility and weaken your case.

6.  At the time of the trial, if you're already in another relationship, do not bring your new partner into the courtroom. Even if it's a custody battle, where the new person's credibility or position in society could prove beneficial to your case, consult your attorney before bringing them to court.
7.  Do not engage in conversation with your spouse or his/her attorney during trial recesses.

For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

INAPPROPRIATE COURTROOM BEHAVIOR

There are some behaviors which should distinctly be avoided in general and especially in the Courtroom:

 

1.  Negative body language such as rolling of the eyes, smirking and in general, reacting to everything that your spouse or his/her lawyer says is incorrect.
2.  Having your cell phone ring while the proceedings are on is not right.
3.  Interrupting when the judge or lawyer is speaking is improper. As a part of the legal strategy, your spouse's lawyer may be blurting out lie after lie (perhaps even to provoke you) and you will be tempted to retaliate instantly. But speaking out of turn is a strict no-no!
4.  Uncontrolled outbursts and "name calling", depending on the nature of the accusation is wrong. An impulsive reaction may be justified, but it must be avoided at all times.
5.  Displaying a general lack of seriousness in the proceeding by turning up in informal attire, chewing gum, twirling your hair, fiddling with your keys or fixing your makeup while the trial is on is not correct.
6.  Whispering to your attorney or arguing with your attorney is also inappropriate.

For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

I AM READY TO RENT AN APARTMENT

Once you have chosen your apartment and are ready to meet with the leasing representative at the community, the following information will be needed to expedite the approval process:

• Driver's license for U.S. citizens, passport for non-citizens.
• Financial information, such as checking and savings account information.
• Check, money order, or cashier's check for the deposit.
• Proof of income or ability to pay rent. If you're employed, bring a recent pay stub or tax return. If other financial assistance will be provided, you must show proof of income/ability to pay, such as a pay stub or tax return, and a passport or U.S. Social Security number.
• If you are receiving child and/or spousal support take a copy of your current support order with you.

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For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

PLANNING FOR DIVORCE

When you begin divorce proceedings, organization is crucial. The more prepared you are, the more likely the process will go more smoothly. Your preparation will also show your spouse (and his attorneys) that you mean business and can't be pushed around.

 

Here are some steps that can assist you:

**Not all illicit behavior ends up on the ten o'clock news. It's important you document any events that will strengthen your case.

**Gather all financial documents containing your name. Record the names of the financial institution, account numbers, and contact information. Include stocks, insurance policies, pensions, and retirement accounts. Be especially sure to locate life-insurance policies, as they may affect child support and alimony.

**Change any passwords that your husband has knowledge of or access to. Not only can this protect assets, it will prevent vindictive behavior on the part of your spouse -- such as theft.

**Hide your passport and your children's.

**Make a list of which items were gifts and which you bought with your own money before the marriage.

**With your digital camera, create a visual catalogue of all your physical possessions, including furniture, furnishings, art, collectibles, rugs, electronic and computer equipment, china, cars, and so on. Itemize everything on a spreadsheet as well. Organize the original receipts if you have them. Save the images on a flash drive that you can carry with you.


For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --

DATING AFTER DIVORCE

Your divorce is final. Now, your friends are telling you that it’s time to start dating again. You want to attract Mr. or Mrs. Right.

You might wish to check the following Inventory List to ensure that you are doing what you have to do, to achieve your goal.

• You are emotionally stable. You have made peace with your history and are comfortable with who and what you are.
• You have no chemical addictions which could impede your clarify of thought and action.
• You have made a list of the ingredients of your perfect mate. Itemize those qualities that are a priority, and qualities that are of lesser importance.
• Evaluate the demands of your life. Consider how a new mate is going to fit into your life, and any considerations that are relevant.
• Evaluate your person and what you have to offer. Be confident but also be honest, with yourself. If you expect an extremely physically fit partner, you should probably anticipate that this person will expect you to be somewhat physically fit, as well.
• Let’s be honest; first impressions are important. If you are stuck in a beauty rut, it’s time to enter a new phase, and that might mean a change in your skin care regime, a new hair color, or some new clothes. Glowing skin and a smile can work wonders!
• Believe in yourself, and specifically, believe in the power of attraction. Feel confident that you will meet the person that is right for you.
• Anticipate and expect that Mr. or Mrs. Right should cherish you. You deserve it.
• Positive thoughts are important. However, you also have to take action. Make an effort to socialize and interact with a wider circle of persons. Enjoy a new hobby. Even if your new mate is not actually in your yoga class, he or she may be introduced to you via the new friend that you meet, stretching next to you.
• If you meet others whose goals are incompatible with your own, drop them from your list of potential partners. If you want to meet a stable mate for marriage, and you happen to meet someone who is fun-loving and into bar-hopping , you can be friends with them- but do NOT think that you can change them.
• Have fun with the process of dating until you meet your Mr. or Mrs. Right.

For more information, contact the Family Law Offices of Renee M. Marcelle at (415) 456-4444, or online at http://www.familylawmarin.com/ --